Family - why must it be so painful?

Not your average happy 80's family that one pictures

Family, I just don't understand them, they are just a bunch of crazies and it is sometimes hard to except that you have the same DNA or blood running through your veins... But yes I am part of a dysfunctional family but I still sincerely try to still have a relationship with them. As I want to forgive and move on with my life and not have anything holding me back. So when they do visit, out of the goodness of my heart I would try to make the best of it. Be positive, call out unacceptable behavior as I am from an abusive family and they always try to embarrass you, why I don't know... It was my grandfather's father who did it, my grandfather and then my father - no one stopped to say: "Wow this is messed up and I'm not gonna be or live like this". No, it is easier for them to complacent and except a life of abuse and failure. As they have a failure mentality and they reject any logic, it is hard to have intelligent conversations with them. They believe they they cannot be successful. So for now, I have discussions on success with them and don't engage in negative thinking and call them out on their excuses (even though it might hurt their feelings, they must get over it) but don't try to change them and I don't expect them to. They must do this.

                       After a visit with the family I would be crying the whole time like a baby

One thing I do, do to my Sweetheart's frustration is that I get them too many gifts and give too much of myself to them. It is a bad habit that I am working on. I have decided that I am done spending money on them, I'd rather spend time with them and not give or feel sorry for them. I have also got passed the stage of getting upset with them, as I used to be very depressed after a visit and would not talk to them about what upsets me or that they are just being plainly f#ckd up. They are also not direct with you as my mom packed a whole box of stuff into my car without my permission, as it is part of my inheritance from my grandma. But it is really just sh!t that she doesn't want. Well, instead of me being not addressing it with her and dropping it off at a charity. I am taking that sh!t straight back and letting her know for once and for all I don't want it. No one must force anything onto you, you always have a choice. Always.

I also started visiting them less, shared less of myself, it was hard as my mom has a way of guilt tripping you and my family has this strong sense of togetherness and we must do everything together. They say that because you carry the family's name, this is what we do and how we do it and you are one of us so stop fighting it. F#@k that, I thought and I said it, I am not one them, I am me and I will do things according to my plan for my life, with my Sweetheart and according to my values & principles.

Or be a depressed bear

I now have made peace and accept that they will do things that are just messed up, not be direct with me and be rude without them even realizing it. They have created their own situation that they are in by making bad choices, and not changing things for themselves. They always make excuses why they weren't successful or that they have money. They wait around for someone to save them but you have to create the change, make a decision and then do it. So in a way it is good that I see them and be grateful for all that I have and achieved. It motivates me to be better and chase my dream and never to make any excuses and use every opportunity that is given to me.

Jewelry box that my dad made, nicest thing he has ever given me

My dad and my brother have started a business (he made a wooden jewelry box I quite like it), so we talked about business. I have lent them my books from Huntsman and Hill, and do hope they read it, for now I am rendering them that service. These books have helped a lot and it is their choice to read it or not. All I am doing now is wishing them well and I won't be planning another visit with them soon.

So if you have family frustrations, know you are not alone, it is frustrating but their reality is no longer yours as you are living the life that you want to and as you envisioned for yourself.

Good luck with any upcoming family gatherings!

Have a great week,
Bouf
xx